Funny Stories
These stories come from my experience over the last eight years in the Air Force. I hope you enjoy them! If they aren't funny, well, I guess you had to be there....
Attack! Attack!
It
was 5am and my crew and I had just finished working 12 hours all night in the
mission planning cell during Operation Enduring Freedom. We were all kinda
of feeling punch drunk from working so hard though we'd only been deployed for a
few weeks by that time. We were all telling jokes on our way back to the
tent when I had an idea. "Let's play a trick on Miles!". I
quickly outlined what I had in mine and the other WSO and copilot readily
agreed. Miles is the callsign of a WSO in my squadron (during one of his
first flights in my squadron he dropped a bomb and it missed by a mile...) and a
great dude. This
is what happened next. We all crept into the tent and retrieved our gas
masks. We put them on and went over to Mile's cubicle. We then put
on our gas masks and shone flashlights in Mile's face while yelling,
"Attack! Attack! Miles wake up! We're being
attacked!". Mind you, it was 5am, we had only been there for 3 weeks
and were still paranoid, and Miles was in a deep sleep. Man, if you
could have seen the look in his eyes when he woke up. It still makes me
laugh. For about 2 seconds he had the look of stark terror! He vowed
revenge but he never got us back...
A Force
Protection Nightmare
Last summer I was very lucky and got to take a jet to Izmir, Turkey
for an airshow. While there, the other WSO, Haywood (one of the smartest
dudes I've ever met but kinda of different) tells us he promised his wife he'd
buy a Turkish coffee pot for her. Fortunately, we had a few spare hours
and heading down to the marketplace. We all bought some leather jets after
being accosted in the street and Haywood asked the storeowner if he knew where
he could buy a Turkish coffee pot. "Sure, my cousin has a store and
I'll take you there" he tells us. So off he leads us through the very
crowded market place. Soon we notice the crowd starting to thin out.
Soon there are very few people and we are getting into the back alleys. We
come across a building under construction and upon seeing us, the workers
disappear. By this time, we're wondering what's going on. This is
right out of the Force Protection video (anti-terrorism, anti-crime program) we
have to watch. Haywood starts lagging behind and I tell him to catch up
and stay with the group. Safety in numbers and all that but Haywood says
he wants enough distance in case we get ambushed, he can escape and run for
help. This was your dumbass idea I tell him! Luckily, we reach the
shop without any incidents but they don't have any coffee pots. So we
hightail it out of there back to the crowded markets. After breathing a
sigh of relief, we find a big department store. This store was exactly
like any US mall department store you've been in except everything was in
Turkish. But alas! They have what Haywood is looking for. He
buys it and we head back to the hotel. On the way back, the aircraft commander
notices on the box, "Made in the USA". Damn, Haywood, you almost
got us who knows what for some Turkish coffee pot made in the US!?!?
Pilot's
Intercom Circuit Breaker
Once
again, during OEF... Our usual copilot was replaced by a different who needed to
fly with our instructor aircraft commander to evaluate how she was progressing
towards her aircraft commander upgrade. This copilot is renown for her
ability to endlessly talk. In short, she never shuts up. As luck
would have it, she sat in the aircraft commander's seat (left seat) so she could
practice being an AC. On hour two hour flight up to Afghanistan, she didn't
disappoint us and talked and talked and talked (she knows Russell Crowe and his
band usually goes on and on about it. "This one time, in band
camp...") I was to the point of almost turning off my intercom when
Beaux pointed out to me that the DSO's circuit breaker panel has a circuit
breaker for the AC's intercom. So I pulled this out and she was
immediately cut off. Beaux and I were dying in the back, just laughing our
butts off. I pushed it back in and we were immediately met by a stream of
curses, "This damn ICS, it never works, blab blab blab..." We
had to listen to a diatribe on that for another ten minutes. We did that
three more times during the light. Each time, us WSOs had a great
laugh in the back. It's the DSO's job to write up all the things
that are broken in the aircraft's maintenance log before landing and she was
emphatic that she wanted the ICS written up. The instructor and I went to
talk to the maintainers while she and Beaux went to the intel debrief.
"Hey, how come the AC's ICS isn't in here?" Maggot asked me.
"Oh, there was nothing wrong, we were pulling her circuit
breaker". Maggot had a really good laugh at that and said, " I
was wondering why I could hear laughing in the back." Needless to
say, she wasn't too happy when she found out about the trick we pulled on
her. I later turned the story around on here and she got the Bat for
it. What's the Bat? Read on...
The Bat
My old squadron's mascot is a Bat (we started as a night bombing
squadron in 1917). Every Friday, the squadron gets together and does a
roll call. Everyone's name is read out and if you aren't there or didn't
call to check in, you owe the bar a bottle of spirits. Then we have a
squadron history lesson. The really fun part is the awarding of the
Bat. We tell funny stories and then vote on the funniest or biggest buffoonery
committed and that person gets the Bat. That person then carries around a
stuffed toy bat for the next week and has to keep track of what he did and log
his flights. Then they read out what he did at the next roll call.
The Bat has had some experiences let me tell you. Vegas strip bars,
rafting trips, combat (he got over 500 combat hours in OEF, twice as much
as any of us did), etc. It's a good morale builder in the squadron and a
lot of fun.
For the previous story, I turned it around (the story only has to
be 10% true) and said that the copilot had talked so much that she overheated
her intercom cord....she got the Bat.
I think I've gotten the Bat three times in two years. The
last time I got it was just after coming home from the Desert. I had met a
nice young lady over the weekend and had, er, uh, well you know... Anyways,
I came in Monday morning with a little more pep in my step than normal and ran
into my good WSO buddy Ziploc (the Flight Surgeon bought us a huge Subway
sandwich for his first flight with us and we were gonna give the half we didn't
eat to the hardworking maintenance guys. Ziploc comes along and starts
stuffing the sandwich into Ziploc bags for his lunch the next day...cheap
bastard!) . He immediately notices something amiss (I've know him
for ten years since AFROTC field training) and he drags it out of me what I had
gotten that weekend. So we show up to the next role call and he proceeds
to tell a story. "Damn, this isn't gonna be good," I
think. Ziploc relates how he had been sleeping at 2am and the phone rings
and after ringing several times, waking him from a really deep sleep, he answers
it. He says it was me and I say, "Ziploc, guess what I'm doing right
now!". Of course, Ziploc was stretching even the 10% rule but it was
funny enough to everyone that I got tagged with the Bat...
DSO Humor
Here is a story that the
Bat (see above) wrote for the Bat Log describing one of his evenings with the
ladies. Note all the radar and aircraft names... It's full of sexual
innuendo so you've been warned!
Dear ROLAND,
There I was, at the BARLOCK, feeling a bit TPS-70. I
threw back a few shots of the ol' CROTALE and began to feel my whole world DRUM
TILT. That's when I saw the BIG BIRD with the nice TOP PAIR, STRUT CURVES,
and said to myself, "Damn, what a nice BACK TRAP!". I walked
over like a FOX HUNTER and said, "Hey, JAYBIRD, my name is CYRANO IV.
How would you like to FLASH DANCE back at my SQUASH DOME?".
We quickly hopped in my HIGHLARK IV and took the LONG TRACK
home so I could get a little HEAD NET. Her TOP PLATE was scraping my big
FLOGGER. I KITE SCREECHed, slid into a SNOW DRIFT, and crashed into the
BILL BOARD in front of my house.
We ran inside and she threw me on my BIG BACK. I said,
"Whoa, what is this, RAPIER?" Next thing you know she's sitting
on my TIN TRAP and I began to tongue her FLAP WHEEL and bury my face in her
FLYCATCHER. I mumbled, "I'll give you APG-68 and you can owe me
one!" So I flipped her over and put a TIN SHIELD on my THIN SKIN, and
slipped my GIRAFFE into her CLAM SHELL.
At first she just laid there like a DEAD DUCK, but then she
whispered into my DOG EAR, "Hey, why don't you jam your TALL KING into my
FIRE CAN?" She started working me like a TORNADO and stuck her finger into
my SLOT BACK, so I gave her a SLAP SHOT on the BACK NET and made her OWL
SCREECH. I thought I was going to chaff faster than you can say SUPER
FLEDERMAUS. I quickly pulled my PATRIOT out of her GUN DISH and HOT SHOT
my FOXBAT all over her FLAT FACE.
We had broken the BOX SPRING and so we decided to SPOON
REST. Boy, did we make an ODD PAIR! Wish you could have been there
for a little MIRAGE et trois!!
Sincerely,
The Bat
story by Chubb